The Daily Social Distancing Show & Trevor Noah


コロナ時代の恋愛事情 | The Daily Social Distancing Show


Now, the coronavirus outbreak has been amazing for Ying Ying and Le Le’s relationship, yeah because no-one around, those two panda bears have started having more sex than Donald Trump whenever Melania’s out of town.

I’m joking of course. He doesn’t care if she’s in town or not.

But it turns out, for us, human panda bares, coronavirus hasn’t been beneficial for our love lives.


"Splitting up together.”

Business is booming right now for Elena Alter, a prominent divorce lawyer in the epicenter of the pandemic, New York City.
"I’m seeing an uptick in calls."
People calling at all hours of the night seeking legal advice.

“I’m getting a lot of calls about people who are in close quarters with a person that they were planning to divorce, perhaps this year, hasn’t happen yet, wondering if they can go forward with the divorce during the pandemic.”

Yeah. Coronavirus is the worst thing to happen to marriages since the invention of the pool boy*1

Why you always gotta be so sexy when you are raking those leaves in the pool, pool boy?

And getting divorced is already a stressful experience, but getting divorce when you can’t leave, sweet lord, that must the worst.

Just imagine, if you live in like a New York City apartment, what do you do then?
“OK. Fine. You can have the bed. I’m gonna sleep in the microwave.”

So yeah, because of coronavirus, divorce lawyers are seeing more business than the guy selling grow sticks at Coachella.
And if you were wondering, why is this happening? Well, it because quarantine is showing a lot of couples they might love each other, but they don’t like each other.


Dr.Ish Major/ Resident therapist/ Marriage boot camp:Hip hop edition
"When it comes to the quarantine, the biggest problem couples have is just the amount of pressure that the relationship is putting on each other. Think about it. Normally you are around your partner for maybe five ours a day awake, but now it’s triple."

“When we don’t have as much distraction going on, we tend to hyper focus on certain things the little things bother us.”

“Part of the reason that could be, one in three people surveyed say they do not shower or bathe everyday anymore. Also 15% of respondents say they do not get dressed out of their pajamas.”

“He wanders through the house and continues to talk to me when I’m on the phone.”
“Can't be in your bathrobe, and those are the thing, like the little things I have to be aware of because the camera really covers the whole space.”


Oh, man. I really feel bad for this woman. Think about it. Her husband is walking around in a bathrobe while she is trying to work over Skype. That is so embarrassing because that’s her job. Like imagine if you were in your boss’s office, and then your spouse just walks in, shirtless, covered in Cheetos.

Honey, do you have a towel?"
“Excuse me? My boss is here. Can’t you see?”
“Oh, I’m sorry. Mr.Boss, do you have a towel? The Cheetos, they get everywhere, look at this.

I see why people are getting tired of each other. Like just because you’ve committed your life to someone doesn’t mean you want to be committed 24/7.

In fact, after coronavirus ends, I think marriage vows need to be updated.
“Do you take this man to have and to hold, but for, like an hour in the morning, and maybe three hours at night when you watch TV?"


"Couples Get Creative.”


Now, don't get it twisted. Coronavirus isn’t breaking up every couple. There’re many lovebirds out there who are taking the initiative, and turning quarantine time into quality time.

You maybe stuck at home but that doesn’t mean date night is canceled.
One couple use their free time to recreate the iconic final dance scene from the 1980s film “Dirty Dancing”

The Jones family is used to being creative, turning famous paintings into their own works of art quarantine style, like “American Gothic”*2 and “Washington closing the Delaware”.*3


Grant recreated date nights around the house. A casino, sports bar, bowling with paper towel pins in their living room.
“I think my favorite part of the date was the dance club. Which was our bathroom and when we went in their, he had music blaring, and then he like, turned the lights on and off.”

Okay, now that guy, that guy deserves all the brownie points*4 in the world. He made a full night club in his bathroom for his woman? Wow, that’s love. And this thing is super realistic. He even charged her $18 for a vodka cranberry and then stole her purse when she got drunk. That is commitment.


“Online Marriage Licenses”


Andre Cuomo, the only American governor who can pull off a tracksuit*5, has signed an executive order, allowing New York couples to get their marriage licenses online, and he’s authorized clerks to perform wedding ceremonies over video.

Now, look. If you ask me, I don’t think anyone, I don’t think any one of us should be making big life decisions during quarantine, okay? No one. Your concept of love is totally skewed right now. You can trust me on this. I spent most of last week in a relationship with a bottle of Purell. I mean, think about it. You are locked up with one person for so long, You probably forget other people exist.

Yeah, you’ll be like," you are the best guy in the world, let’s get married!” And then you're gonna take one walk and you’ll be like “What have I done? (Sobs)"

Basically, any marriage during quarantine should have the same store policy as Best Buy. If I’m not happy with the product after three month, I can return it or at least make an exchange.


“Caught cheating on live TV"

Thanks to coronavirus, we now do everything at home, right? We are working out from home, we're holding office meetings from home, you’re using the bathroom at home. For years we just have been going to Wendy’s*6, right? Is it just me?


And it turns out, you can even have affair at home.

It’s the whoopsie that’s making world headlines. 41-year-old Spanish news anchor Alfonso Merlot was hosting a live show from his home when a naked woman walked right behind him.
“Oh, wait but that’s his wife, his girlfriend, right?”
No, the tea is hot honey*7, are you ready?
Viewers were quick to point out that that in not only is not his girlfriend, it was a colleague.
“Wait, what?”

Oh, god damn. God damn! I need to start watching news from Spain. I mean here, it’s all boring stuff about trade wars and climate change. Over there it’s like a telenovela.*8

A naked woman just walking in the background? I bet, next week this guy gets amnesia, and then is replaced by his long lost twin brother.

“Breaking news. I don’t know who I’am. But I know that I love you.”

But, yo. on the real though, this was such an amateur mistake. Everyone by now, everyone should know that you’ve gotta be aware of your background when you are working from home. Okay? The only thing that people should see behind you is some books you’ve never read, and a couple of trophies you won for coming in last place in two marathons.

And if you get busted cheating like this on live TV, there is nothing you can do. Your best option is to channel Donald Trump and just try and blame the media.

“Baby, you know you can’t trust the press. There was no naked woman in the background. Read the transcript, baby. Fake nudes."


“Neighbors with benefits"


So, lots of people right now, are interacting with their neighbours like they've never done before. But thanks to corona virus, we're lerning about that neighbour don't just to be friends. They can also be our friends with benefit.*9
Jeremy Colin was sitting at home alone and look out of his window and saw his next door neighbor dancing. He had never met her before but it was love at first sight.  So, he went above and beyond, pulled out his drone and flew it over to her to ask her out on a date.
Michaele D'alpaos first set eyes on Paola Agnelli from his balcony. Michaele managed to track Paola down on Instergram and struck to have a conversation. The couple hasn’t stop talking since. Now they spend their days dreaming about what they’ll do when they finally meet. “I kiss her for an hour.” “I kiss you for two-hour."
Oh. Stop it you two. Get a room. But don’t. Social distancing. You know it’s amazing how this pandemic has warped our perspective. Because if you think about it, before coronavirus, if a guy staring at his neighbor through binoculars and then tracking her with drone, it would not be romantic. It would be a first half hour of a Dateline episode.*10
But I guess this is kind of sweet. You know, the only big problem with dating with your neighbor is that neither of them can ghost*11 each other.
“I know you are home. I can see you Daniella. Answer the phone.”

*1:pool boy:お金持ちの家のプールを清掃する無駄にイケメンでムキムキの若い男性。トロフィーワイフの格好の浮気相手

*2:Amerigan gothic: グラント・ウッドの1930年の作品。シカゴ美術館所蔵。アメリカの20世紀絵画の中で最も有名な作品。

*3:Washington closing the Delaware: エマヌエル・ロイツェの1851年の作品。メトロポリタン美術館所蔵。

*4:Brownie points: ちょっとしたお手伝いなどをした時、日本語で「ポイントを稼いだ」と言うのと同様に使われる。ガールスカウトが起源とか、戦時中の配給で肉は茶色の引換券だったからとか、起源には諸説ある。
Where Did the Term Brownie Points Come From?

*5:pull off a track suit: クオモとジャージの関係は不明。これかな?


TikTok video shows Wendy's employee taking bath in kitchen sink

*7:Hot tea:ゴシップ

slang for "gossip," a juicy scoop, or other personal information.

*8:telenovela: 中南米諸国の昼メロ。

*9:friend with benefit: いわゆる「セフレ」

*10:Dateline: NBCの番組。週一回、一つの犯罪事件を1,2時間かけて詳細に報道する。三面記事的な犯罪を主に扱う。

*11:ghost: 急に連絡を絶って、相手が諦めるまで無視し続けること